Uncategorized

I Wish I Knew How To Miss You

Mom,
There are days when I want to call and tell you I miss you, especially on the days when I long to have a mother’s hug  telling me everything will be alright. But if I called and said, “I miss you” we both know that would be a lie. I know that I love you because you are my mother — before my birth you could have ended my life but instead, you brought me into the world, cared for me, taught me how to be independent and how to survive. For this I am grateful and will always love you.

But as I grew, it was painfully obvious that we saw the world very differently and this affected our relationship significantly which fueled my need to separate myself from you for the sake of my sanity. I do not cast blame because I understand you have a right to your views for they were/are based on your upbringing, but I too have a right to my views and choose to associate with those of like mind so I can feel that my voice is being heard.

The tension I feel in your presence fuels my need to escape the mental torment so even though I long for my mother, you are not the mother with whom I can be my true self.

We communicate well now because distance separates us. Conversations go unspoken — buried — for fear such utterings would cause an eruption of ill feelings, resentment, sadness, inadequacy, regret, longing, loss… You gave up a career to be a mother, but there were times you made us to feel guilty for your choices. That’s so unfair! What an awful burden to place on a child.

Your standards of perfection were set so high, only you could meet them. But still I toiled to earn your admiration and only got your criticisms instead. My best was never good enough but still I tried.

At 19 I left home to make my own way in the world, finally free to be me. But my need for approval was still there, instead however, I sought it from others. I never found it in my personal relationships, but instead from my work. And so it seems I am incapable of bonding with anyone for I too now have your ridiculously high standards hammered into my brain. Oh the irony!

So here I sit, in the middle of the rubble of my life longing for my mom to put her arms around me and comfort me but I can’t communicate that to you for it would be a lie. It seems that I miss the idea of what you are supposed to be, but in actuality I don’t know how to miss the real you.

Written January 8 2015 | Edited June 10 2015 | Copyright 2015 Moylom Enterprises

Advertisements

22 thoughts on “I Wish I Knew How To Miss You”

    1. Thanks for reading.

      Many people have moms that have passed on and the fact that mine is alive and we’re not close in that way leaves a giant void in my life.

      This has been a tough week (dealing with some medical issues) and it’s a time I could really use a few hugs, a time I really needed my ‘mommy’. But alas, she is thousands of miles away, I want to miss her but don’t know how…

      Hope you’re having a good day

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I’m this close to walking up to random strangers for hugs (lol)

        Thanks for the well wishes though, means a lot. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Ah, sweet friend, know these feelings well. So grateful to God for how far I have come in that mom area, yet this beautiful, transparent piece provokes emotions nonetheless. I catch myself yet looking at my house and thinking how she might scream disapproval of dishes undone or a stray dustball under the furniture. I can’t share my writing with her for fear she will disagree with how I feel or compare it to my much more talented older brother. Oh, my, there are things yet paralyzing me. So…wow. Gee. Sorry for epic gut-spilling there. Hugs and prayers. I get it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I wrote this a while ago but having this be a tough week reminded me of this awful feeling of needing ‘my mom’ but knowing my mother isn’t that person. There’s a huge void…

      Like

    1. Seems the Silent Retreat helped you a lot recently. Here’s hoping you have more of those enriching days. Hugs

      Like

    1. Ah, yes, that piece was tough to write, but it needed to come out as I held in those emotions for so long. I tried discussing some of it with her once and she felt attacked and called me ungrateful. All I wanted was for her to see how her words and actions were hurting me but she didn’t want to hear it. So I’ve buried those feelings for a very long time but felt I finally needed to release them to heal my soul. It’s a process…

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s