She woke up that morning unsure of what to do with herself. She reached for the phone to send him a “good morning” message but remembered, yeah, they agreed to not do that anymore.
She really should have been doing her morning meditation anyway, but her heart wasn’t in it. She was overcome by the intense feeling of loss — She was missing him terribly.
It was her day off. She’d hoped to have breakfast or coffee with him but he had to work. But yeah, they’re not doing that anymore either. It’s over! Everything’s over!!!
So there she sat, at the benches approaching the beach, replaying the events of the first walk they took together, wishing he was there next to her, holding her hand and making her weak in the knees by the way his eyes looked into her soul. She missed him so much it hurt. She sat silently, staring off into the distance, lost in thought, and simply dying inside.
She finally summoned the strength to walk along the boardwalk, slowly, in the direction of her home, in the opposite direction of his. She’d hoped her melancholy pace would delay the inevitable emptiness that awaited her there. She knew that the longer she stayed among the brave souls doing their morning exercises it would deter her from collapsing into a puddle of tears once alone. But home finally arrived and before she could finish her cup of tea the tears began to fall like rain.
By 10 am all hopes of having a productive day were gone and she crawled into bed with a box of tissue and her phone as her only companions. There she spent the rest of the day crying, sleeping and wishing it was all a bad dream, but it wasn’t.
“This too small pass!” she told herself, for she knew that all too well. She’d been there before but somehow this time seemed different. Perhaps because she knew there would be an end to “their story” — that what they had wasn’t meant to last forever — but she just didn’t expect the end to arrive so soon. Nor did she expect to fall in love with a guy so much younger and of a spiritual persuasion similar to hers but of a religion so steeped in rituals and tradition their union would never be accepted. This wasn’t what either of them expected and she wondered how “fate” could be so cruel. What was the point to bring him into her life when she wasn’t even looking to meet anyone? What was the point to them bonding so easily, so wonderfully, so completely only to have that bond be broken so suddenly, so soon? What lesson was she/were they meant to learn from all this? What was the point of all of it???
Saying goodbye would have been so much easier if she didn’t love him, but she did. It would have been easier if he was cruel, but he wasn’t. In fact he cared for her deeply and his actions spoke of this often even more than his words. Somehow though, she had to love him enough to let him go but doing so would be torture!
How do I forget you
When I don’t want to?
How do I stop missing you
When you’re all I think about?
How do I stop needing you
When you made me feel so complete?
How do I move on
When you mean so much more than words can say?
My world seems empty now
My smiles have disappeared
My eyes are sad and teary
My heart is broken
I mourn for you as though you’ve died
I miss you so much it hurts
Yesterday, in one of our marathon phone conversations which meandered from one topic to the next, we eventually landed on the topic of family and friends. At that point I informed mom that should any relatives begin inquiring of my whereabouts and/or well being in the upcoming months it would be because I’ve stopped making it a top priority to check on them on a regular basis. Why? Because I’ve drawn a line in the sand and it’s been long overdue. You know what she said? “I don’t blame you?”
Someone told me once that I care too much and I was shocked that those words were said about me. I don’t know how to NOT care — it’s the way I was made. I always go above and beyond and it’s just the way I am. My clients have said how much they appreciate that quality, but for some reason family and friends take advantage of my kindness or simply don’t appreciate it. But with age comes wisdom and I’m now understanding what that individual meant, which leads me to the new-found explanation of those words heard so long ago:
It’s not that I care too much but that I need to be more wise about the things and people I care about.
Hmm… why didn’t I understand this years ago? Perhaps because I spent so many of those years trying to make everyone happy not realizing the impossible task with which I burdened myself.
Caring takes a lot of energy and emotion. It forces one to put oneself in another’s shoes to truly understand, if only slightly, what that person is going through and what they need to feel better if down or to share in celebration of the good times. For some reason I’m good at that, and many folks have often asked if I am/was a nurse. (I actually thought of becoming a nurse once, but later discovered I was trying to fulfill my mom’s dream not my own. But that a whole other post!!!). No I’m not a nurse, it’s just a God-given gift I guess, just something that comes naturally.
So, now I’ve begun the task of eliminating those folks who fail to understand that emails, phone calls, what’s app, viber, text messages, Facebook messenger and all other modes of communication WORK BOTH WAYS!!! I am no longer going to be the only one to reach out, I’ve done it that way for too long and now it must stop. If the thought never crosses their minds to say hello and actually do so then I too will not do so. A friend recently reminded me how awful it is to “give to the point of resentment “. Yes I know, I know, God loves a cheerful giver, and all these years I HAVE been cheerful about the care and consideration I gave to others. I didn’t care if those folks reciprocated, I was just happy to remember their birthdays, anniversaries and delighted to check in to see how they were doing. But how come they never remember to inquire about me? And that right there is the problem and why “the line” needed to be drawn.
I’m not the needy type; I don’t ask for anything; I’m independent and never in trouble (not much anyways) so I’m wondering if folks automatically think I’m OK and there’s no need to check on me. Well I’m not gonna sit here and speculate, I don’t have time for that. As I get older I’m less tolerant of the lack of consideration shown by others and as such have drawn a line to signify my decision.
Wow, I just reread the above and boy do I sound angry! Well I am. It’s time to worry about my needs after all these years of neglect by others and sadly by me.
I messaged a very dear lady whom I was fortunate to meet during a very dark period of my life a few years ago. I’ve been so grateful for her support that I always check in with her from time to time. She actually got angry with me for speaking mostly of my kids and not of myself. She said,
Everytime I hear from you, you go on and on about the kids, about how well they’re doing and how much they’re thriving but what about you? How are you? How is your personal life? Are you dating? Are you working on a life separate from your kids? I hope you’re not locking yourself away from love? Please know that you deserve love too!
At first I got upset that she had somehow set a timetable for my life without my permission. Here I was thinking my personal life was my own! (Aside from WordPress of course). I knew fully well that I’m not ready for all that, and unsure as to when or if I ever will be. I’m still learning to trust again, terrified of failing as a parent — a single parent — and only capable of worrying about one day at a time given everything else I have on my plate. Dating and new relationships take time, and I’m not ready to invest such a valuable asset (my time) without adequate returns. I know my dear friend means well so I’m not angry that she was stern but I need to spend a little more time weeding my garden so the beautiful flowers can bloom and be seen — I’m gonna spend some time pampering “me”.
So here’s to laying the dead to rest to make room for the living — new life — new beginnings! Here’s to moving on at my own pace, one step at a time.
Thank you Ms K for caring enough to be stern. I’m not mad. Happier updates ahead I promise! ((Hugs)) ^_^
Contents written July 15 2015 | Edited: July 18 & 21 2015 | Copyright 2015 Moylom Enterprises